Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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