You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
