she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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