do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
