you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
