please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
