My hand turned me down
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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