The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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