I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
