Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
