Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
