He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
NoShamevember. You game?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
