Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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