Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
