Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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