I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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