i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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