he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
