sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
