You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
