Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
