We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
