wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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