He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
