I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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