he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
