theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
