i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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