I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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