Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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