Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
