you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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