Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.