NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
