id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
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The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now