my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
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Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.