im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.