I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
