i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
