How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
