I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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