I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
