I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
