Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
