I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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