I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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