we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so let's talk penis.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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