Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
