My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
