Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
