aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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