It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
