mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
thus making me awesome and them whores
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
