They should really pass out barf bags in church
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
