Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
