Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
