best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
