We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who died my cat blue again?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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