I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
